Being Lonely & Being Alone

In recent days I’ve felt the dull pain of being by myself. Of feeling lonely. I’ve found that my body droops and my mood falls, the echoes of my recent past filter through my mind’s eye, which only serve to accentuate the lack of human contact. If I’m not careful, sadness can quickly set in. And take over. To be honest it’s probably been there since the first day I moved here.

Initially, the novelty of my new surroundings hid the real underlying emotions, but now, now that I’m more settled into my routines, I almost fear not having something to occupy me so not to be naked in front of my reality. I look for distractions (and am aware of this behaviour) in order not to feel the emptiness of my heart, my body, and my new home. Knowing that this time, nobody is coming here to be with me. But, I keep telling myself, this is exactly what I need to feel. And alone is exactly what I need to be.

Michael Beckwith, in one of his interviews with Oprah expressed the idea beautifully:

‘we must love ourselves when we’re by ourselves’.

It was a phrase that I heard a couple of years ago when I was checking out Mindvalley – Michael was selling a course through the platform, or better, Vishen was using this guy’s unique gifts to sell his wares to a global audience and I saw the first free hour. Vishen, Mindvalley's founder and CEO, sells amazingly well and funnily enough, he’s done all the courses and he’s created Mindvalley because of the results. Hmm, I think it’s more to do with Vishen’s obvious gift for marketing (yeah, I’ve seen enough of the ‘free first hours’ to see the formula he uses which has made me a tad cynical), but, be that as it may, Mindvalley is incredible and there are some very, very special people on there should you want to check it out. The annual membership costs around as much as a course, again – simple but effective marketing.

Anyways….Michael Beckwith. An enlightened being from whom I feel I have it all to learn. I have his book, but I don’t feel it’s the right time for me to read it, just now. There’s more internal work to do first. Oh, and it’s worth mentioning that the book cost me 10 bucks. The book is what gave birth to the course, and the course costs $400 USD. Yeah, I prefer to self-study this one.

Back to the point. Being able to be alone and be OK with it, take care of, and love myself to a point where I don’t need anyone. Be happy with it. Filled with it. That for me, is a fundamental aim during this process. I’ve never been in this situation before and I have to take full advantage. I don’t want to rush headlong into a relationship because of the internal tug and pull of loneliness. I will only make the same mistakes again. I’m not ready. I’ve learnt that over the past weeks and months.  

Out of the past 14 years I’ve had 7 months as a single man. 3 months post-separation from my ex-wife (‘that was quick!’ I hear you cry….yes, ok, but my marriage was over years before then..), then 4 months after I came back to the UK. There’s a period of around 4 months in there of a split that happened but I don’t feel that really counts. It was more like a pause than being single. 7 months in 14 years. Wow. Not long at all. Nowhere near enough time for me to heal, understand and love myself for who I am.

I’ve spent years looking for partners so I wouldn’t have to be alone, and have ended up in relationships that haven’t worked out. Why? Because my wounds and patterns of behaviour (including those of my partners) were played out during our time together. I chased. What, exactly? I tried, incessantly and in vain, to fill a void with someone else’s love, instead of filling the void with my own. In my particular case the void was love, affection, understanding, a voice, support, interest – all of those things, that in my experience, I grew up lacking. And, now, I fully understand the only way to fill this void is through self-love and inner-child work. I must love myself when I’m by myself and get to the point where I am no longer lonely, but simply alone.

Alone and OK.

Alone and happy.

Alone and fully, wonderfully, ME.

Now, we’re a social species and being alone for long periods of time isn’t healthy, we need social interaction to maintain our mental, social and emotional health, amongst other things. But, what about when I get home to an empty house? The feeling then is especially acute (though, I’m one of these whose energy drains down when I’m surrounded by people, I need time alone to recharge my semi-introvert battery), and I’ve found that it’s in those moments, when the difference is stark, that I need to show up for myself and not allow the potential spiral into sadness and loneliness.

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When alone there is also a devil in disguise…..

The need to be doing something so I don’t feel alone – that in itself, as harmless as it sounds, is also a mechanism of avoidance. Yes, we must take care of, treat and look after ourselves and there are many ways in which to do that, but the simple act of distracting, that there is a signal which, in my opinion, should be paid attention to.

We spend hours distracting ourselves. We lose the connection with our bodies and our minds take over. I have found that one of the biggest obstacles for someone to start meditation as a practice is the underlying fear of…….their thoughts.

And when alone, well, our thoughts, if not managed, can dominate, divert and possibly, destroy.

So, being alone is the perfect opportunity to truly embrace being alone with one’s thoughts, to see what the sub-conscious and conscious mind throws up…What’s there? Why is it there? How does it make me feel? Is this something new or old? etc etc..

Our mind, if we let it - and of course learn to set a distance between thinking and feeling, like meditation does - will give us all the clues we need in order to understand many of our underlying issues.

So being alone, even for 5 minutes with your eyes closed, is so, so powerful. At least that’s what I’ve found.

And when it comes to distracting myself, I now try and take a pause, when I catch myself in autopilot, looking for the next thing to do. I ask: What am I doing? Do I really want to do this? If I find I don’t, then I ask myself; What am I running from?

And there, right there, I try (repeat, try), to confront my fear of being alone with my thoughts. And normally, during meditation or simply quiet time, whatever has been churning around below, within, around, comes up, becomes clear and then, normally, emotions come flooding out. And I let them flow. Avoidance doesn’t let the mind purge. And purge it must.

We spend so much of our lives avoiding what’s in front of us, chasing the person, experience or thing to fill the void. Our Ego’s appetite is insatiable and will never, ever be satisfied. Be warned. The chase, the avoidance, is eternal.

Love yourself, take care of yourself, treat yourself and accompany yourself through it all. Embrace it. Embrace the aloneness, let it become your safe, loving, happy place, and when that other comes into your life – which will inevitably happen, as you’ll be so full of self-love your higher vibration will attract someone who is perfect to share in that love together – you’ll be free, or freer of those thoughts and emotions that tell you, you need someone in your life to feel complete.

You don’t.

I’ve gone off on a tangent here, but it’s what flowed, so there you have it. I’m preaching again.

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One of my new routines is to wander (and wonder) on the Heath, sit in my spot (I’ve found one), and write. Observe. Smile. Feel and ponder.

The other day I wrote a poem, here it is.

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She is Wind

She is the soft wind, in the tall grasses,

Where time moves on, and slowly passes,

Where mirrors green flicker, and shimmer in the breeze,

They sway, and rustle, and ripple, like the sea,

With powerful swells, high above our heads,

Where us humans, have yet dare to tread,

Where ‘peckers weave, and bob, and glide,

From tree to tree, as they search and find,

Some tasty morsels to take away,

Their wings she holds, as they screech and play,

For she is gentle, as she is strong,

And when she screams, we sought to long,

Scared and prone, of her gusts and gales,

As we seek refuge from her banshee wails,

And we hear gentle whispers, amidst the trees,

Softer than fluttering wings of bees,

We barely feel her touch, as she moves on,

On our skin, on our hair, for ever anon,

Invisible she is, we’re not taught to see,

We only hear her whispers, among the trees,

This wandering Goddess, as time quickly passes,

She is the soft wind, in the tall grasses.

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And my spot, I love it already. It fills me with joy to be there. It fills me with joy just thinking about being there.

When on this journey of healing, self-love or whatever aspect of your being you’re trying to evolve in, don’t forget to tap in to your creativity. It’s so, so important. Keep yourself happy.

I took my camera. First time in a while that I took some shots. Here’s a photo. There are some majestic trees on the Heath. My shots don’t do them justice, but here’s a glimpse of how incredibly beautiful nature can be.

Oak tree, Hampstead Heath, London

Thank you for being here with me. I love you all.

J