Anything you do is worth doing.

Sat here on the Heath, in a vast scene of trees, grassland and a distant city, with a strong wind blowing, drops of sun pitter-patter my keyboard whilst I think. The sun warms my bare feet. Ahhh, nature. Lifeblood, serene, clear. Cleansing.

I’ve not been writing as much as I’ve wanted to recently, though it’s not down to a lack of inspiration, I’ve had the idea for this piece for a while now. My reduced output has more to do with finding the right moment whilst I adapt to new routines, find my feet on my own and slowly but surely carve out my days, focusing on my main aims: Work on me (I’ve started); eat properly (yeah, kind of, getting there); get fit (have started, yoga tonight, run this morning, walks – various, exercise in the mornings); financial organisation and parity (the echoes of my past few months are still being felt in the wallet, but hey ho, priceless memories are worth much more); writing (hi there), music (still to come, but the plan is in place); etc etc.

Simple aims and day by day becoming a reality. God, it’s hard to be patient, but patient I must be.

Criticism and constant correction as a kid moulded me into an anxious perfectionist. I think also deep down I was born with a desire to do things to the best of my ability (which compounds the feeling). Perfection doesn’t exist, however, and whilst I know this, I have to remind myself in order to move through my day and get things done, with confidence in me and without doubting myself. The doubts are constant – Am I doing this right? What if I get this wrong? Should I be doing something else? Arrghhhh!!! And always, the sense of urgency pushes me relentlessly forward. I read just yesterday the sense of urgency is likely to have come from the trauma suffered when my dad passed away. Mortality is the invisible boot constantly kicking me forward, worried that I won’t get it all done before I pop my clogs.

Anyways. This worry has plagued my thoughts around everything I’ve done and everything I do when it comes to my journey. Is this the right path? Am I wasting my time? Why didn’t I finish that course of treatment? What am I missing out on? Like spiritual FOMO, all of the time.

Luckily, I know I’m not alone in this constant battle of self-doubt and many of us work through self-doubt every day – it’s a part of life, especially in an arena that we may not have mastered (yet).

The thing that keeps me sane, on an even keel and with faith in that my path is the right one, is when I look back and see all of my various experiences lined up like dominoes, like (as you’ll hear a lot from me), pieces of life’s jigsaw. I note there hasn’t been one thing that hasn’t been worth doing. Everything I’ve done has opened doors in my mind and has led to a greater understanding of myself, my wounds and what I need to focus on.

Not one second has been wasted, even though my inner perfectionist would say ‘it’s been a non-efficient scatter-gun approach’.

Discovery and taking steps to heal what’s been found isn’t linear. It’s not a direct ascent, it’s a landscape of peaks and troughs, even though what’s being done is with a positive energy, the low points can come out of nowhere and shake us, as our sub-conscious and ego desperately fight against us changing our behaviours and what’s been keeping us ‘safe’ since childhood. I’ve found that it’s not a one-stop shop and presto, talking therapy healed me and that’s that. I feel it can be as random as our lives, as random or as organised as ourselves. Maybe my approach is a reflection of me and who I am and how I approach things, though I know that by simply being and doing, these moments have emerged on my path. I’ve just done what’s in front of me. And that, like the row of dominoes, is where I store my faith, that God and the Universe and all the beings of light who are assigned to me, lay these things in front of me.

All l I have to do is simply, do.

I began my latest phase of work this week. Starting on 3 journals, provided by the excellent Loner Wolf website. Self-Love, Inner Child and Shadow Work. In this order. More details on why later (or check out the website yourself, it’s amazing, hours easily disappear as you navigate through the articles). To get through these will take me the best part of a year. Or, potentially much longer as the journals are like the trunk, the branches are – much like the trees I can see now and the rays of sun that illuminate my hands as I type – endless. I was apprehensive before starting as I knew that with me being me, once I started, I was going to give it my all, no matter what. The initial exercises have brought immediate effects; heavy emotions have come flooding out, startlingly so, but this is what it’s all about. Showing up. Being brave. Working through the layers and resting and keeping healthy in the meantime. Tonight I’ll go again if I feel like it. There is no ‘must’ or ‘have to’. My mind isn’t in the best place right now so I am relying on my heart (as we should all do in times like this) and I am only sitting down to work when I feel it is right. Before I do I pause – ‘Do I really want to do this?’ As hard as some nights are, it is exciting. I feel that I’m finally confronting what I need to confront and I honestly can’t wait to see where I end up. It’s going to shatter my old self to pieces. And, like all the other dominoes before these, it showed up just at the right time.

Here's a list:

Regressions:

Taught me the immense regret I feel of not taking advantage of the limited time I had with my dad when I was a child. I also learned that memories of everything I’ve ever lived, in perfect detail, are stored in our minds.  

Bodily movements:

Taught me that the beatings I received as a kid charged me up like a battery, filling me with violence and rage and which manifests itself as a physical tightness in me.

Reading/Studying:

So much, so, so much. And without really looking, the right books have come at the right time. Discovering My Soul Signature by Panache Desai, which is a 33-day concept, took me a year to read, and from this book I now understand how each emotion affects me and my body. Invaluable.  

Holotropic Breathwork:

Through flashbacks I understood that I grieved my dad’s passing alone and this left me deeply wounded. Music healed me and I was able to turn something traumatic into something beautiful, the experience heavily influencing my style.

Tobacco:

Taught me to not fear the unknown. The Universe and God have my back. It broke through a layer of fear and released me from toxic relationships which is why I’m sat here now.

Ayahuasca:

Was kind to me, a beautiful dream-like experience though I think the next time will be a full-on purge.

Magic Mushrooms:

The most amazing experience of my life.

The mushrooms broke through my sub-conscious. Firstly, it released enormous amounts of grief that had been stored for 27 years, in my body, around my dad. I realised that emotional density is a real, real thing. We carry around God-knows-what within us and life is an exercise in purging it all to achieve spiritual lightness.

My ego dissolved and I saw my soul in its purest form and from that, I hold on to the knowledge that I am not my past, I am not my emotions and I am not my thoughts. I am my soul, beautiful, divine and unblemished, and I am here in this incarnation to heal myself from my past.

Thank you my love for making this happen and for being there with me. I’m forever grateful.

Shamanic Healing & Visualisations:

Incredible. I am so blessed to have been introduced to literal gifts from God. Terrestrial beings of light. People that not only help you in ways you never thought imaginable, but they leave you with enormous joy in the knowledge that the world is, indeed, magic, mystical and beyond the realms of human understanding.

The sessions dissected the various layers of me and the layers of trauma that have built up and why they are there. Understanding that I have to work on areas that I believed were healed was massively illuminating and a game changer. The visualisations were an indicator of the path I have to take.  

Talking Therapy:

The Reality Check. The Grounder. The Slap Round The Face. The Conscious Explorer. The Weekly Purge. The Listener. The Validator. The Understander. Having this to come back to each week has kept me on the straight and narrow and I have learnt so much.

Readings:

A separate topic which I will discuss later. But essentially my compass, the Tarot and the Angels and those gifted souls who are channels and guides are reading from the same book, just in differing languages.

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Hypnotherapy, Havening and Journaling I’ve not mentioned here. Journaling deserves its own post.

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So, if you’re still here reading what is now my longest post so far (I think 😊), what have I got to say?

The accumulative effect of all of my experiences and work has brought me to now, where I’m now working on a definitive phase. Could I have leap-frogged to here and saved myself all of this effort and time? No, that wasn’t my path and as much as my ego would like to make me feel that I have wasted years, it’s not the truth. I have to make peace with that.

My experiences have taught me so much. It’s been preparation for now, to enrich this phase and make for true change.

Don’t worry about where to start. Just start. Anything you do is worth doing, God and the Universe will take care of the rest. I wish you all the best. You’ve got this far, so never doubt your own bravery, you’ve been through worse.

Thank you for being here with me. Lots of love.

J