Signs……. (and love)

For this piece I will write as I speak. For those who know me personally I have quite a strong ‘London’ accent and my vocabulary sometimes (ok, most of the time) includes quite a bit of swearing.

Signs

Since I was a kid I always felt that nature and the world around me was trying to tell me something. Now, I don’t know if this was a natural tendency for a kid with an over-active imagination (as mine was, forged in the garden where I spent many hours marvelling at nature or – more likely – causing havoc), or, because I felt that the world was simply magical. I could feel it, but could never put my finger on it. Over the past few years, I’ve been able to witness and live through some mad, mad shit, I’ve partaken in various spiritual journeys and have met some incredible spiritual beings. I now know that the Universe is, indeed, infinitely complex, unexplainable and….magical.

I suppose thinking back, it started with numbers. 7. Then 77 and then any number divisible by 7 up to 70. Once I became aware of them I started to see them everywhere. On doors, clocks, number plates, you name it, it was like a secret code the Universe was sharing with me to keep me on track. The feeling I got every time a number would come into my view, was one of comfort. I was being guided by this numeric spirit which was telling me that I was where I needed to be.

Initially, I thought I was going mad, and becoming a tad eccentric (though, upon reflection, I am a bit eccentric and a little bit fucking weird, but I’m fine with that…..anyway, who wants normal??), but it was after a 3 day course I did on ‘Conscious Relationships’ in Cali (fantastic course by the way, my first real foray into the Ego, the Spirit and the Universe), where the instructor said to us, ‘who else sees numbers sent by their spirit guides?’ I cautiously raised my hand, and he nodded, knowingly, as if it was the most normal thing in the world. I wasn’t the only one. Others then shared what other regular signs they’d received in other forms from their spirit guides. I thought - great, I am surrounded by fucking weirdos.

Finally, I said to myself. I’m home.

Anyways, after being heartened by the fact that I was certainly not alone in my numerical twitchery, I eventually learnt more and more about the metaphysical, the intangible and tried my upmost to embrace it all. I’ve mentioned in previous posts that I’ve always been quite spiritual, so for me, the numbers thing was quite easy to assimilate. It got to the point where numbers were simply another string to my bow in terms of understanding what the Universe was trying to tell me. Funnily enough, the cell phone I had in Colombia ended in 2177. I’d had it for many years and then made the connection around this time. Surprising, but at the same time, not so much.

Fast forward to today, numbers are my principle guiding light. For whatever reason 17 has been added to my list. Or maybe it’s just the number 1 that’s been added to the 7. My new cell phone number, funnily enough, ends in 1717. I got the number well after the signs with 17 began. No coincidence there. I have seen this number so frequently, along with the usual 7’s etc that I say to myself I’m ‘in sync’. Synchronized with the Universe and exactly where I need to be. I feel comforted and at ease. It’s uncanny. Yes, I may be more aware of numbers and probably subconsciously searching for them as I go about my day, but there is no explanation for when they literally appear in front of my face, out of nowhere, especially in moments when I’ve been feeling lost. I feel it’s the Universe saying, ‘don’t worry, I’ve got you, you just keep going’.

There’s been a lot of that lately.

But the weirdness doesn’t stop there, no, no, no. It’s gets weirder. And the signs…they’ve become pretty fucking freaky, beautiful and heart wrenching all at the same time. Now, for the sake of this blog, I’ve refrained from going into deep detail on any particular thing, I mean, yes, some of my posts have been a true reflection of what I’m feeling and I’ve tried to convey those feelings as honestly as I can, but there’s a whole other level of what’s going on inside. I haven’t even really started to discuss the various experiences and moments I’ve had along the way. In short, I have seen some mad shit. I think back and say to myself, woah, I don’t care how rational, non-spiritual and unbelieving you are, if you’d seen the shit I’ve seen – you’d be left with your mouth open, desperately grasping at your previous understanding of reality.

Since I’ve been on my own I feel I’ve been able to open myself to much more subtle energies and goings on in the world around me. Long meditation sessions have no doubt helped – meditation, apparently, sharpens our psychic and intuitive skills. One snippet of wisdom I read and really loved was; ‘Prayer is when we speak to God. Meditation, is when he talks back’. I agree with this wholeheartedly. I myself experience flashes of clarity around doubts or unknown answers, in the hours or days after long meditation sessions. I now know it’s my intuition, my higher self, my spirit guides and the Universe communicating with me.

Signs in the sky, in the trees, messages in the songs I hear, in the movies I watch…..they’re everywhere. And I love it.

Walking this path has been fucking scary. The uncertainty is a killer, especially with someone like me, who has spent his life trying to control his surroundings. On this path I’ve stepped into the black hole of uncertainty almost every day; leaving a country with nothing, moving to a new area where I don’t know anyone, starting new roles with government entities, starting this journal work where I don’t know where I’m going to end up. The list goes on and on. I have no idea where I’ll be in a year and if it wasn’t for these signs keeping me going, comforting me, guiding me, letting me know that I’m where I need to be, the layers of pressure that build up from doing all of this at the same time would be too much.

(Side note – not knowing where I’ll be in a year’s time is actually quite exhilarating.)

‘It’s in the uncertainty where the miracles happen…..’

I heard this from a world-famous guest speaker we had once during a travel leader get together during the pandemic. The phrase really stuck with me. When we truly surrender and let go, when we release those worries about the future, that’s when the Universe can get to work on giving us everything we’re destined to have, without our fearful energy of interference. Letting go and surrendering is a fundamental part of all of this and a daily practice that gets easier very slowly. The benefits however, are life changing.

The signs have played a massive role in allowing me to surrender, let go and just live. I’ve found that when you open yourself up to trust in the intangible and the unknown, then the miracles most certainly do happen. Fortune favours the brave. Fucking true, that.

It’s worth mentioning that it’s not only seeing the signs that gives me comfort. The truth is, what I feel inside when I see them is the most powerful part. It’s the way I know, deep down, that it is the Universe pointing the way. Recently, I’ve had blossoms of pure joy filling me from the inside out when I notice another sign, a secret message just for me, to tell me that it’ll soon be done, you just keep your head down, son….

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Letting go

I’ve done a couple of letting go rituals over the past couple of months. The first, where I was to burn 3 candles, one for each ex-partner, was an eye-opener. The ritual went smoothly for the first two candles….nothing left. As the last one reached its very last sliver of wax and wick, the dish it was on literally leapt out of my hand on to the floor, extinguishing the flame. I was stunned. Shaking my head in disbelief to begin with but with silent resignation (and confusion) afterwards. I tried to get the remnant to burn in another candle. It failed. I still have what’s left of the candle. The sign, even though it was too painful to accept at the time, was clear.

The second ritual involved letter writing and burning. The letter writing was painful (as these rituals tend to be, but ultimately releasing emotions and energy is what it’s all about), so, to enhance the power of the ritual I wiped my tears with the letter, opening two holes in the process, unintentionally. As I lay the letter down on top of the rest of the items I was to burn, there, perfectly placed, was her face, from two photos looking straight back at me through both holes. I shook my head. For fuck’s sake. I proceeded to burn it all, taking care to ensure that the flames consumed everything. As I looked through the cinders there was a piece of photo and a piece of card left. There in front of me, in my hands, were two, perfect, flame-shaped cinders. One was even coloured like a flame, from the effects of the fire. It took me a second or two to realise what I was looking at. I muttered again, ‘For fuck’s sake, really???????’. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. I think I did both. I kept them. They are so perfect it beggars belief. I was told I should draw an infinity sign some days previous to that, so I did. The flames are now part of that. It felt like the right thing to do.

I was told in April, in my last Angels reading, that the number 22 would convey a specific message, and that when I saw it, I should remember what they said. 11:11 had special significance in my life already by that point, so 22 made perfect sense.

I have not stopped seeing that number. Over and over and over again, no matter where I look. I’ll keep to myself what I feel and understand each time I see it….over and over.

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Signs are there for us all. What I believe it comes down to is the willingness in each of us to embrace the possibility of them existing, and, working to centre oneself sufficiently so we can tune in to our own innate, energy radar that lives inside all of us. It’s not an exclusive club, it’s just a case of slowing down, tuning in to your body, opening up your senses, and becoming aware.

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Love

It doesn’t disappear. It loses none of its potency. I’ve stopped trying to ‘deal’ with it and have allowed the moments to just envelop me, though this eventually turns to grief afterwards. I’ve found there isn’t much I can do about it. It’s magical, this energy, and, no matter what epiphany moments or realisations I have around relationships in general, boundaries I need to set myself and how I would change certain things should I embark on another relationship, the love, the love is as strong as ever.

It is what it is. For now, I’ll just use the energy it creates to push forward, do my journaling each day, and see how far I can get.

The Universe, I know, will keep me aligned with the signs it gives me, and that is all I need to know.

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Self-Love Journal

I’m making good progress and the exercises are, for me, working really well. It’s hard work, but I’m feeling the changes already. It’s weird. Like me.

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Here are some photos I took today. I tried to capture the greens in the bright sunshine :-)

Thank you for being here with me. I love you all.

J