The Self-Saboteur.

I haven’t wanted to write this. To even let the words leave my mouth is an effort. It’s the admission of your worst (shameful) nightmare, that somehow, your sub-conscious behaviour self-sabotaged your relationship to the point of no return. But, that’s where I am.

It’s taken me a few days thinking about this concept to be able to approach it properly. So that it makes sense to the reader, but more importantly so that it makes sense to me. I need to make sure that it’s honest, but also fair.

I’ve always been willing to take the lion’s share of the blame for anything negative that has  happened in my life. I almost always assume it’s my fault somehow. Upon reflection I believe this is due to the conditioning of my childhood where I was not only blamed but made to feel guilty for the mistakes I made. They defined me. Sometimes, I’ve noticed, I’m even over-eager to take the blame to curry favour, as I used to as a kid. Looking back now I can see that this was one of the many effects of ‘negative reinforcement’ where I simply ended up believing I was ‘bad’. Years of repetition and the language used served only to solidify this belief in me as a child. As a consequence, this belief has become one of my (perceived) realities in many contexts in my life.

I have to be careful not to fall into the same trap here, after all, I’m trying to learn not only to be honest with myself but also to open myself up to self-love, patience and understanding, and, whilst I take full responsibility for my actions (one of the effects of being made aware of my mistakes continuously is a sometimes debilitating hyper-awareness of my actions), in any relationship the responsibility is always shared. Not perfectly or even obviously for both sides, but there are always factors in play that work together. Cause and effect. There’s also no benefit in this process of beating myself up. What is, is, and that’s that.

My aim with this though is not to analyse both sides, for the other side is not clear to me. Not yet. It’s more like a hazy silhouette of a truth in the distance. So, for this bit of writing I will focus on my actions and what I know to be true.

Moving on.

(sigh)

This is very hard to write. Please bear with me.

No matter how much love I was shown during the relationship, it was never enough. It was never going to be for someone who’d never been truly loved before. It petrified me. It left me feeling naked, prone, exposed to a situation that I’d longed for my whole life, but was ultimately (sadly) massively unprepared for. I’d never received love like that before, so for my sub-conscious and nervous system it was simply too much to bear. Torture, even. I would test, I would question, I would snatch ‘evidence’ from my reality around me to prove that the ‘love’ being shown to me was bullshit. I won’t go into details but it was terrifying for me and obviously massively draining and taxing on my other. The behaviour went on and the harder I pushed the further my other would separate from me, emotionally, physically and all the while my sub-conscious was reading the ever-changing situation as proof – ‘you see, she didn’t love you anyway’.

It is so fucked up. Just typing this makes me feel like a fool. You’re not a fool Juan. You’re not.

I know I’m not. And uncovering why is critical to my process and journey. Understanding that this – what looks to be completely irrational behaviour that I describe above – is the result of what I was imprinted with when my psyche was still soft to the touch and easily impressionable, is a key. A real key to acceptance and self-forgiveness. A key to the next stage I feel. And hope.

So, how does someone who has been (desperately) looking for real love his whole life lose the golden egg once it’s finally in his hands?

Well, I never had a chance. Not with these sub-conscious patterns. I never had a chance.

To begin with – and this is a topic into which I can expand across chapters, let alone paragraphs (so I'll keep it short) – my dad to me was the symbol of love in my home. Whilst my relationship with him wasn’t perfect, I loved him. Revered him. Adored him. To lose him the way we did, the way I did, from one day to the next, left a warped lesson of love in me. To love is to lose. And it can happen at any moment. There is no peace, no tranquillity, there is no warning. It can disappear, just like that, in a blink of an eye.

This trauma and belief, I know now, is very much alive in me and is one area of work that needs my undiluted attention. It will get it. Very soon.

Yet more lifeblood for my self-saboteur is my belief that pain is just around the corner in an intimate relationship. Again, I won’t go into the details of my upbringing but it was old-school Colombian, and the punishments reflected that. The learned lack of trust in others who are close to you, the ones who are meant to show you love, has led me to test and question and push and poke and prod, with the sub-conscious belief repeating inwardly that no matter what they say, no matter what they do, they’re out to get you, eventually. Those that love you, will eventually hurt you.

Again, I write this and (sigh) I’m startled by how my Shadow-Self has taken such control of me. I also know that by doing this, his grip on me and my life is just that little bit less. Bit by bit.

The other main driver of my behaviour has been my lack of self-worth, belief-in and love for me. I’ve just not been able to get it in my head that I’m worthy of love. I’ve not been able to take ownership of that idea and again, I know through re-parenting myself and showing the love I needed and lacked as a child, I’ll eventually be able to fill this void. This factor, though, was decisive. No matter how many times I heard the positives about me, I could never believe them. I just haven’t known how to.

The end result of self-sabotage for me has been to end up on my own. Consciously, this is the polar opposite of what I’m seeking – love, connection, intimacy (as we all do, in a relationship), but it’s EXACTLY what my sub-conscious was looking for. On the face of it, it makes no sense…….this was a major eureka moment for me. More below.

You see as a child, the place where I would sob, alone, sad at not being heard, understood, or shown the love that I so desired, became my safe place. It became the place I was used to. It became a safe haven. A distorted one, but safe and familiar to my psyche all the same. And hence, paradoxically, being alone is exactly, ultimately, what my sub-conscious has been striving for. To get me back to my safe place. The place it knows, even though it’s devoid of the one thing that made it so painful to be in. Love.

Anger, frustration, sadness. With each realisation there is a lot of grieving associated with it. The doors have been opened by various therapies, probably none more so than by my therapist. Bless you. I’ve finally got someone who can listen to me, validate and understand me. And maybe most importantly, tell me that what I’m feeling is ok, the way I’ve behaved is also ok….and to be expected, even. So powerful.

……………………….

I’m surprising myself with what I’m writing here, in terms of my honesty and openness. I’m proud, actually; some may look at this and think ‘what do you gain from baring all?’ – well I gain understanding just by writing, so I write. I share, even if it’s not written as an informative text, so that maybe one of you will be able to relate. That’s my hope. To shed some light where for so long, for me, there’s been none.

………………………..

So, back to the Self-Saboteur.

When I first saw this word I didn’t want to read it, I wanted nothing to do with it. Upon reflection it’s because I knew, deep down, that I had this in me. Understanding that this has been my role (again) in a relationship has filled me with immense grief and regret, knowing that I take a large share of the responsibility and that I’ve not been wise enough to prevent it happening.

But pain, pain, is what drives us.

I’m beginning to gain a full(er) understanding of all the various moments (short and long) of trauma and experiences that ultimately shaped my belief system about me and the world around me. I’m also starting to gain an understanding of how these all intertwine to create a web of behaviours that, if not confronted, recognised, acknowledged, validated, grieved and understood, will continue to dominate me.

…………………………

An important note: I don’t blame my parents for trying their best to bring me up. It is what it is, I’m a parent and by no means perfect. We do what we can with the models we’ve received as children, some of us are wiser and are able to make that break, some of us can’t. I’m proud of what my parents were able to do for us, what they taught us and what I learned, and the love they each gave in their own way. It is now my responsibility to heal and let go of my inner child’s perceptions of the world, and that is what this is all about.

Thanks for being here with me. Love you all.

J