A Bit of Background.

My last post was a bit hardcore, so whilst it’s important and it covers some of my main areas of work for the coming months and years, I do want to lighten the tone a little. ‘Lighten tone!’, you say??

Yes, I can be light, and after reading my first 3 posts you may be doubting that, but yes, I’m not always in the depths or throes of anguish, promise 😊***.

Just writing about my self-saboteur has been incredibly liberating, fortifying and valuable. It’s created a chain reaction of insights over the past day or two that have only been possible because of this change of perspective, from the perspective of the wrongdoer to the perspective of someone who simply is. I feel I need to be clear here too: being able to give voice to the underlying reasons for my behaviour(s), does not in any way take away from my responsibility in the events or the negative effects those behaviours had on my relationship. The pain and regret are there and I will have to forgive myself for everything that happened. That will come. This is the first of many steps.

***Remember, if there’s something to feel then feel it, don’t be scared, don’t push it down, don’t bottle it up, let it flow, let it run. Let it be. Empty the jug.

Anyways.

How did it all come to this? When did I start becoming aware of my patterns and behaviours that I realised were not serving me anymore? When did I decide to start doing something about it? Well, my marriage certainly brought out a side of me that I didn’t know was there, a side which gradually disappeared over the years, but it was really in my first relationship post-separation that the alarm bells rang. And ring they did. Every. Day. Morning, noon and night.

Sidenote: Teaching and having kids, for me, are invaluable mirrors, as all relationships are, but more on those later, as it was a romantic relationship that forced me into starting the ‘work’.

I stepped into a new relationship and pretty soon all sorts of emotions were lit up, in quite startling fashion. So much so that I thought I was going crazy, for being exposed to such strong fears, emotions and insecurities was all quite new for me, and, well, the situation and environment only enhanced them to the extreme. My ex-partner, who had worked on herself for much of her life really opened my eyes to the potential path in front of me. And whilst we weren’t healthy for each other and eventually parted, I will never forget her advice when she said, ‘if I can give anyone a tip in life, no matter who they are, it’s worth doing therapy’. I still think of that day and 4 years later I am in total agreement. Just speaking to somebody who knows how to listen, and, who, with little cues and questions, can open up sides of yourself you never even knew were there.....well, for me that's a miracle. Small, but a miracle all the same.

I suppose in this day and age mental health awareness is much more visible and accepted by society. I grew up in a time (though I’m not that old 😊) where maybe it had a bit of a stigma around it. Me being me and open to trying anything to get to where I wanted to be, I was interested immediately. I didn’t want these debilitating thoughts, emotions and feelings coursing through my body each time I was triggered. And triggered I was, constantly.

So in 2018 I started therapy. It was an education. Trans-personal therapy with my dear, dear therapist. In her consultation room in Cali, she opened my mind to the ‘why we do what we do’ and it was there where I began to understand that it is during childhood, in the womb, even, where we begin to be moulded by the world around us. Certain traits are of course genetic or even ancestral, but that’s a path I’ve yet to walk so more on that when I get there, for walk there I must.

I went into my mind, I did regressions, I did bodily movements that taught me about how we store emotional energy (or ‘emotional density’ as Panache Desai likes to call it – I love this term, cock-on for me) and memories, about how our experiences can leave a physical imprint on us for years, for lifetimes if not confronted and purged…I learnt a lot. Well, actually it felt like a lot but really, like all of this, it was just the tip of the iceberg. The iceberg, I’m finding, is big enough to explore for the rest of my life, but that’s fine. I’m focusing on the big bits of ‘shit’ or ‘shadow’ (forgive my expressions but that’s me) that are currently affecting my life and I’m hoping to eventually achieve some sort of peace, after all, the factors that I’m dealing with as described in my last post aren’t insignificant by any means. Get those sorted and I should be in pretty good shape.

So, therapy I did and tales and stories of my various sessions and realisations will eventually populate the pages of this blog, but with this being an overview of sorts, those escapades are not for now. I also feel I must keep the darkest, dirtiest, most succulent material for a book (maybe) and for you to keep rocking on with me whilst I surf the ethernet on my blog-board.

I was told clearly, by my therapist, that conventional (conscious) therapy would only ever get me so far. My wounds were deep, there were many, so I was advised to take the ‘quantum leap’ into my sub-conscious to really see what was up. I learnt it was there that everything was stored, like a cassette, recorded, playing over and over no matter the context, each track starting out when the trigger pressed the play button. This was my therapist’s preferred path and one which I followed respectfully and with full awareness. She was very experienced in many facets of spirituality, was very wise and served me greatly as a yogi and as a teacher.

It's worth pointing out that I’m quite a spiritual guy. Religious once (and brought up Catholic), but my connection with the Divine is my own and more real than it’s ever been, so walking this path in a Catholic country (where most people believe in God or a Divinity) is nothing out of the ordinary.

For me, stepping into the unknown and unseen, well, it wasn’t too much of a leap, after all, even 4 years ago I had seen enough of ‘God’s work’ in my life to understand that this world is not just the tangible plane that we see, feel and touch….

As a result of this invitation, Holotropic Breathwork was the first of my ‘leaps’. Go on, Google it if you have to.

Anyways.

Therapy came to an end. The pandemic came and everything stopped.

I had another session. 6 months to the day had passed since my previous session (believe me, when I eventually discuss the world of synchronicities, numbers and ‘no such thing as coincidence’ I’m going to share some pretty freaky stuff, so stay tuned), and in that session I was given the key to the door of medicinal plants.

That was in March 2020.

My life changed unequivocally after an experience with tobacco, and whilst this whole thing is a journey, I can’t think of one bigger earthquake of energy released in me than after that night on the baccy. Not the wacky stuff, the real stuff. It eventually led to the ending of my relationship with the business and baby I had built over the previous 10 years, and I wouldn’t be sat here in the UK if it wasn’t because of that night. That chilly, wet, incredibly excruciating yet enlightening and ultimately empowering night. Hmm. Old Grandfather Tobacco…. Who ever knew?

I came, I left everything I had, ready to re-build in the UK after my self-imposed exile. I knew, I knew I still had work to do. I knew deep down that the opportunity would come, I just didn’t know how or when or what it would look like. I let the Universe decide and that’s when she came in. And my life changed forever. Again.  

So that’s a bit of background. I’m here now picking up the pieces, more determined and clearer than ever as to what I need to be doing right now. I’m helped by some people who I consider to be literal gifts from God, who are helping me understand, navigate, focus and heal. I am in pain but I never, ever, forget how blessed I am right now, how special it is to have been given the opportunity to heal, grow and transform.

We’re changing all the time right? Even without conscious work the version of you of 2018 is different to the one reading this text, correct? That’s good. That’s a gift. Imagine what we’re capable of when we actually focus on change. Anything’s possible. There are times when I question (the negative self-talk – caught him a couple of times today at least) whether I am actually able to overcome and heal what’s in me. I hope I can. But I also know if I do nothing, then nothing will change like I want it to, and that, that would be a waste.

Thanks for being here with me. Love you all.

J