My First.

My first article. My first bit of writing that I’ll be putting ‘out there’. Oh, the nerves. The excitement! It won’t be perfect, so here goes. Here… We… Go…

This site is borne of a need to tell my story as I journey through my Dark Night of The Soul. Initially it’s to help me heal, but I’m also doing it to see if it helps others. I hope it does. I hope it goes some way in clarifying all those doubts I had when I began. Not a path as such, more like a helpful voice.

Since I’ve been back in the UK, I know, that through conversing with friends and work colleagues about the various bits of self-development I’ve done over the years – all (or nearly all) have perked up and connected with the conversation in one way or another. Some carefully listen, like it’s exactly what they needed to hear. Others have nodded knowingly, willing to share some of their own knowledge and experience in order to enrich and educate others on the challenges of this great gift called ‘Life’. Others will sit in silence, their eyes darting around, sometimes looking down, fidgeting, for what’s being said is making them feel something, maybe making them think that ‘wow, ok, someone else has had this happen to them too’… etc etc. Post conversation some of those listeners will contact me or pull me to one side and ask about a certain problem to see if I can give them some advice. Aside from filling me with an immense sense of purpose (that someone should ask me to help them with their personal life), it makes me aware that many of us suffer in silence, not knowing where to turn or who to speak to, or, many times, that we’re completely oblivious to the something deep inside that needs to be dealt with. Like I was, for 36 of my 40 years.

So, why do people ask me? What makes me any different? Well, my life, I suppose. I’m an expert in my own life - as we all are - knowingly or unknowingly, and in that, I can share some of my experience and understandings….

…for I’ve been many things….

The child with the difficult upbringing.

The outsider, the loner, the misfit.

The stricken 13 yr-old that lost his father in a traumatic event.  

The adolescent enraged at the world and at his family.

The ex-pat, estranged from family and country.

The entrenched husband, fighting in the war called ‘My Marriage’.

The guilty father who watched his marriage disintegrate.

The divorcee.

The hopeless partner who, for all of his attributes, is (still) unable to hold down a successful relationship.

……and so on…….. (professionally things do look a little better, but in essence, my sporadic achievements only paint over the personal shortcomings….more on this as I explore…).

So, whilst I am no different to any other brother (or sister), I have, through insatiable curiosity driven by a desire to heal and be set free, have embarked on, what I feel to be, a quite remarkable journey of self-discovery. It’s been amazing. Maybe you’ll be of the same opinion. Or not. Your story is or will be even more remarkable, after all, our own stories are the most magical. I’ve started from 0, trying anything and everything in order to achieve my goal – to heal, to be set free once and for all from my past that I’ve worn like an invisible cloak of unimaginable weight throughout my life. And there, when I feel it’s time, I’ll start my life once more, as it should have been, before my circumstances, my beliefs and my decisions started to define me.

Through this website and blog I will share these experiences as all of them have helped me on my journey until now. Not one second of it has been wasted, even the things that seemed a waste of time, at the time, have helped. The Universe is perfect, it is we that find it hard to see why each thing happens, when it does and how it does. It’s seeing. That’s the key. That’s the key. That’s where I’ve been able to find faith that everything that is happening is perfect, hard at times, but perfect.

I should clarify that I am nowhere near finished. In a way, it actually feels like I’m just beginning, with my most recent relationship once more being the hearth that has turned my life back into a melting pot of discovery and ultimately, eventually, one of understanding and healing.

……….

I sit here in the grip of another break-up. This time from the woman who is clearly the one for me, and, who now, because of the wounds that have diffused and distorted my view of the world, has now left me as she can’t take any more of my insecure, jealous, controlling, behaviour. This is a different story for a different time - and there are many factors both internal and external that have played a part. When I’m ready, I’ll share it.

I have nothing to hide about who or what I am, I feel the more honest I am with myself the easier it is for me to hone in on the issues at hand in order to heal them. No hiding here. At the same time, it does make for interesting reading (I think). We love a bit of controversy, don’t we?

I don’t want this to happen again. I can’t let this happen again. I can’t break my heart anymore. Not like this. There’s only so much my heart and mind can bear. I cannot treat a woman who loves me like that again. I cannot live through that fear again. Ever. She was and is so, so special. An angel in my life that empowered me to embark on this new path. My twin flame no less…..another story for another time (I’ll be saying that a lot here, I feel).

For now it’s too raw. I will have to navigate the pain and somehow make peace with how I’ve behaved and show myself compassion so not to hate myself for the outcome. Self-hate is not the way forward here, as common as it’s been in my life. I have to make peace with the enormous amount of work that I have in front of me. Thoughts of what could have been are no use to me here.  

The pain I bear, will move me forward, as it has done all along this journey. Pain, paradoxically, is a great driver of things.

So you see, I have a long way to go. A long, long way and it will be painful. It will test me. It will be lonely, for no one knows what’s going on inside. It will seem endless and at times insurmountable. But like with all mountains in life you just have to keep going. One step, one day, and one page at a time.

I’m sure though, that when I reach the summit, the view will be worth it, and the sun will shine on me. Even though I can’t see it just yet.

I just have to start, every day, and keep going.

Welcome. Thank you for being here with me.

I love you all.

J