Checking In. (regarding various matters)
I’m writing this post from a position of love. Love for myself and the immense love I have in my heart. I look back over the various posts I’ve written since I launched this blog on the 5th of June, and the emotions that have driven them, that started from fear, sadness, guilt, shame, and that have now transcended into happiness, self-love and love. That in itself is worth acknowledging and is something that brings me a lot of joy. It shows development and transformation. The whole point of this phase of work.
I must also remind myself that this blog is for me, first and foremost; to help me uncover wounds and traumas, grieve them, understand them and eventually heal them, so I have been quick to shut down the inner-critic telling me that I need to post.
No, I don’t.
That would be in detriment to myself, my process, and the experience of anyone who reads what I write, if what I express is coming from a place of obligation.
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Regarding The Past Few Weeks
The past few weeks have been particularly hard and exhausting (yeah, I’ve said that before, haven’t I?).
Firstly, I’ve stepped away from Instagram for a while as I’ve felt the need to isolate and protect myself. I don’t want my heart hurt or broken again. I cannot allow my work to be affected, and, for now, moving away from social media has been necessary. I reflect back to the same situation a year ago and am inwardly proud of myself, I feel stronger and am taking care of my thoughts, emotions and self. A year ago I probably went through the most emotionally trying moment of my adult life. Not again. That is progress. That is self-love.
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Update, 27.09.22:
So, I’m back on Instagram. I’ve thought long and hard about the reasons why I left (ok, for a very very short time but I needed to clear my head, and it’s clear now, kind of) and they were based around fear. Fear of being hurt and fear that I would not be strong enough to avoid being left in pain. I was running. Running away from a future that hadn’t happened, that I was fearful of and, upon reflection, that cannot, repeat, cannot be my story right now. Otherwise where is the learning? Where is the growth? I have to trust myself to make the right decisions when the time comes. I have to understand that my work is my work and that has to continue, no matter what. That is abundantly clear. What I’m doing now is for the next 40 years, not for the next 4 months. I embrace the uncertainty. I embrace and trust in whatever God and the Universe want to throw my way, and I do so with an open heart. I am ready. Let’s be having you, life.
So……back on Instagram sharing whatever I feel and believe to be relevant and helpful and that is all. :-)
Now, where was I? Oh yes, the next page in my journal :-)
With Love,
Juan
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Some days ago, an event happened that nearly knocked me clean off my feet. If I’m honest, it brought me to my knees. But, as I’ve found since this self-love work started, the tests have been extreme and there to no doubt prove to me how far I’ve come.
I’ve found myself going through the steps, putting myself first and coming out on top. Nothing is going to deter me from what I’ve been doing and if the love for myself is going to be tested this harshly along the way then so be it, I take it as preparation for things I cannot yet see. That is fine, I will surrender and trust and learn what I can from each situation.
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Regarding Boundaries & Support
I’ve found myself being more assertive and setting stronger boundaries with people, again, massive progress across the board, as boundaries have been, for me, almost non-existent. A work in progress, but I feel more empowered by the day. Support from my friends has been both overwhelming and humbling. I am blessed to have the friends I have.
A couple of dear, close friends gave me some feedback regarding the blog. It almost brought me to tears (yeah, ok, not surprising but what they said was beautiful), I was blown away to be honest, and if you’re reading, bless you, love you x
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My Self-Love Journal
I’ve had to surrender to the fact that this work is my focus. The past few weeks have been an exercise in literally going back to basics; looking after myself and taking small, positive steps each day. My Self-Love Journal is three-quarters finished. Nearly there! Can’t wait. But head down, focus and forwards. And look after myself in the meantime, embracing my vulnerability and ensuring that nothing affects me.
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Regarding Matters of the Mind - ‘The Power of Now’
I’ve got a lot of opinions around the mind. It’s been my main tormentor so I am naturally drawn to understanding it as much as I can, so I can eventually disempower it. To prevent it from distorting the world around me as it has done for the past 4 decades, as it tries to protect me, as it tries to survive.
The mind is a tool that we believe is our self. It isn’t.
It’s scary when you start to unstick the mind from the self and begin to understand that the mind and the Ego-self will do anything and everything in order to remain relevant. Be warned.
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I’ve started reading The Power of Now, by Eckhart Tolle. A seminal book around spiritual enlightenment. A book that I’ve found so profound I can only get through a page or two a night. It’s just too much to take in and internalise in big quantities. Oh, and the work that will come from it……shitloads.
Here are some choice snippets:
“The moment you start watching the thinker, a higher level of consciousness becomes activated.” (the essence of meditation, watching your thoughts as an observer)
“….beauty, love, creativity, joy, inner peace – arise from beyond the mind. You begin to awaken.”
“So you see and judge the present through the eyes of the past and get a totally distorted view of it.”
“Many people live with a tormentor in their heads that continuously attacks and punishes them and drains them of vital energy.”
“Just become intensely conscious of the present moment.”
“…..learn to disidentify from your mind.”
“This means that you no longer take the content of your mind all that seriously, as your sense of self does not depend on it.” (mind…..blown….)
“Your mind is an instrument, a tool… It is there to be used for a specific task, and when the task is completed, you lay it down. As it is, I would say about 80 – 90 percent of most people’s thinking is not only repetitive and useless, but because of its dysfunctional and often negative nature, much of it is also harmful.” (story of my life)
“The mind is essentially a survival machine.” (bingo)
“By dwelling mentally on the situation, event, or person that is the perceived cause of the emotion, the thought feeds the energy to the emotion, which in turn energizes the thought pattern, and so on.”
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This last quote, is so, so true. We dwell on something and through the catch 22 of thoughts and emotions that arise, we end up creating something enormous, from something very small. Something to keep in mind (forgive the pun).
I highly recommend this book to you all.
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Regarding Friendly Advice
Over the last year and a half, I’ve received advice from friends that has helped me immensely in some big decisions I’ve been faced with. In the moment when the friend has given me the advice, I’ve felt, intuitively, that what they’re telling me is from the Divine, and that my friend is being used as a channel to tell me exactly what I need to hear. Especially when that friend is not the person I expected to hear such wisdom or perspectives from. I’ve been fortunate.
That said, not all friendly advice is correct or what we need to hear. Remember, people will normally express their advice based on their perceptions, their life experiences and their state of being, fears, wants etc. Ensure that, when taking it on board, the advice is pure and for you. Don’t overthink it, let your gut tell you. If it feels right, it’ll likely be right. If it’s expressed from a place of fear in them and not love, then, it’s likely not true advice and more a projection from the person. Nobody to blame, just the way we are. No judgement here.
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Regarding Pure-Self
At the apex of my first mushrooms experience my Ego fell away and I became released from all expectations, fear, and all of the stuff that makes the Ego within so powerful. My mind and its hold over me just fell away. I remember trying to explain it as the shell of a pistachio opening up and the nut emerging. The shell being my Ego-Self – all my past programming, fears, survival modes, traumas etc and the nut, the nut being the divinity of my soul, unblemished, living this human experience.
I try to feel this freedom every time I meditate and, I’m happy to say that I do normally get there, if only for a few moments of pure bliss, and joy and happiness, where the weight of the world melts away and all that is left is my highest self, and me beaming ear to ear, my heart bursting.
There are times to follow the mind. And there are times to follow the heart.
Heart is Soul. Divine. Mind is survival. A machine. It is NOT us.
Use it wisely, for the mind can take us down blind alleys from which we may never emerge.
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Regarding Relationships
They’re not perfect nor will they ever be. It’s folly to think otherwise. Hopefully this doesn’t come across as negative, it’s not meant to be. Just truthful. It’s important not to head into a relationship expecting perfection. IT WILL FAIL. Make peace with and lay that idea of perfection to rest in the cemetery of ideas that are there to aspire to, not to try and live by.
Perfection, for the self, is not a very kind thing to pursue. You’ll suffer. Let it go.
Relationships should be spaces for (aside from love, happiness and all the good stuff) mutual evolution and growth, and that, by definition, can be messy. This time alone has given me clarity on many elements of the relationships I’ve been in, and what could have been done better, on both parts.
A fundamental element for me is the willingness to put effort in. Of allowing vulnerability and permitting spaces where uncomfortable truths can be expressed safely and where we have the opportunity to react with responsibility. This, for some, may seem impossible, but I refer back to my first point. Evolution and growth. Messy.
What joy it would bring to know that you and your partner are in the same boat, rowing together in unison, using differing techniques and with differing strengths and weaknesses, but rowing in the same direction? Willing to stay in the boat with you, and you with them, as long as there’s love, respect and understanding?
Some food for thought.
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Regarding Matters of the Heart
It takes bravery to achieve what you want in life. Mistakes will be made.
Love, true love is fucking scary. But it’s scary because you have skin in the game. It’s the ultimate loss. But better to have loved and to love fully, than to hold back, right? That is my experience. My truth. And to think of loss going into love? Wrong mindset. Yet we allow it to exist, based on our past, and likely, our collective experience. This has been my experience. A mindset that I feel is changing and one that will be tested. One day.
If you’re not willing to put your skin in the game, then it’ll remain just that – a game – where you’ll never get hurt, but you’ll never truly feel, either.
I sit here with a broken heart, but with no regrets that it is broken. I sit here with a love that burns and flows inside of me, but with no regrets that it does so. I sit here with divine signs ebbing and flowing around me, sometimes intense and continuous and sometimes less so. My heart feels and senses what the truth may be, yet I have to put that to one side. But, even while I write about the opposite, the emotions grow and so do the thoughts and it’s a daily practice to unstick myself and retain the position of The Watcher, the observer….whilst still madly in love. It’s fucked up.
And on that note. Goodbye. Love you all.
J
